Ruang Berpikir

What should I do? Why is it all so difficult for me? Why is it too difficult? Why is it so hard?  Melewati fase demi fase. Aku sudah mengalami fase dimana aku begitu excited, optimis dan penasaran. Bersemangat. Positif. Penuh energi.  Lalu aku melewati fase lain yaitu fase bingung tidak tahu apa yang harus diperbuat. Bagaimana caranya. Apa ini semua. Itu fase bingung. Fase kelimpungan. Fase apa yang harus aku lakukan.  Lalu sekarang fase apa? Fase homesick. Fase rindu rumah. Fase ingin pulang tapi tidak bisa karena ada corona. Bisa sih, tapi rapid test masih mahal. Fase dimana aku rinduuuu berat sama tanah Jawa. Fase kangeeeen sama temen-temen mainku. Kangeenn nongki dan ketawa-ketiwi killling time. Rindu tanah Jawa, air dan udara di Jawa, rindu pulau aku hidup selama dua puluh tahun lebih.  Iya ya, aku lagi berada dalam masa homesick. Oke. 

Why am I here? I have to look back to day when I prayed last month, or maybe last two months. That was the day when I beg to be given a better way of life. It took me here, the day after it.  Why was I there? Again, I had to look back to the day when I prayed last year. I beg to be given a chance to be independent. There I was.  Does the God wanna hear me cry? Does He like me begging to Him? Does He like to watch my tear drop on His feet? Is He happy to look at me kissing the floor? What does He want from me? Some scenes are lovely, others are scary.  What should I do?  First and foremost, I have to take a shower and finish the last episode of Reply 1988. There is It's Okay Not To Be Okay in Netflix. I think I need to sit and watch that ongoing drama, nah.

I miss my old kosan in setiabudi. Missing my routine. My daily food delivery menu. The peace while praying in the dark night. I miss my two days off every weekend.  I start feeling bored of my new routine. Sitting on my chair almost all day long. Working on Saturday. Sunday is just like going away so fast. I miss my old bathroom. My big closet with that big mirror. I miss those supper malls. Missing enjoying Friday night. Count down for Monday that was feel so fast.  What kind of days I am facing of right now? What kind of challange I am trying to tackle? What's the problem I am going to solve? What is it all? Where am I in this super new circumstances I've never come before?  Why is this island so large but I can cross nowhere? Why are there indirect flights to the next province? Why is this so quiet?  Can I just go and see the endemic ape? Can I just come to experience the famous floating market? Can I enjoy the trip to the exotic beach in Derawan? Can a service he...